St. Aelred Lenten Retreat 2009

In the newspaper today I saw no less than six story-ads for people to “Come here for a Lenten Retreat.”

Of course some people would prefer to retreat to Boracay. And that is not a sin. Heavens no. It could be heavenly.

And surely some will prefer to retreat to Facebook. And some enjoy that a lot.

Our ministry is mainly with LGBT people, and any kind of retreat is remote from the thinking of many LGBT people. Our ministry is to get across the message that it is OK to be L or G or B or T AND Christian – that it is their choice, not the call of any institution. Those from Quezon City we refer to MCC Quezon City (see their website) for Sunday worship. Those who find that geographically or spiritually inopportune, we invite to participate in our cyber ministry.

If you are one of those who have joined us in our cyber retreat in past years, you are welcome to join us again this year. If you are looking for a Holy Week Retreat where you don’t leave home, don’t have the distraction of a white sand beach, and just plain want to “start over,” we invite you to join us this year for our “St. Aelred Holy Week Cyber Retreat, 2009.”

How it works

Proceed at your own pace, at your own choice of place, and proceed as you feel comfortable.

How do you proceed? Read a selection of the Retreat Reading (below). When you come to a “Stop and Reflect” junction, take a few minutes and jot down your reflections and gmail them back to me for interaction. You can cut and paste your reflections and email them to saintaelred@gmail.com.

Some people think that all LGBT people are only pleasure-seeking, and I want to confirm that in my 17 years in the Philippines, I have found very few people, if any, straight, blah, or LGBT who are not pleasure seeking, including myself. You can even imagine Jesus encouraged some of that when he said he came that we might have life “to the full.” So, of course pleasure is not evil, whether it comes from food, drink, sex, or prayer.

And also, so, of course, it takes a mature person to sort out when pleasure is good and when it is evil (if ever).

Prayer

Oh God, I start this holy Lenten and Holy Week retreat thanking you, as I do every day, every moment, of my life for your unlimited, unconditional love.

And especially at this time, my loving God, I thank you that it was from the Love poured out in the way of the Cross in that first Holy Week, that I have witnessed the example of “no greater love has any person than the one who gives one’s life for the loved one(s).”

Help me, loving God, to give my life in unselfish sacrifice for the one(s) I love.

Starting Over #1

When we think of “Starting Over,” the end objective this time is clear. We focus on the End Objective and then take steps to get ourselves there – by starting over.

In the Order of St. Aelred,
The End Objective is:
Love God,
Love family and family of friends,
Love what I do,
Love people in true friendship
Let people love me,
Keep loving myself.
Bring others into true friendship

Surely there can be a lot of pleasure in that. The best is yet to come.

In getting to where we are now we made a lot of choices.

Some choices are detours that lead me astray,
Some choices are short cuts to success,
Some are shortcuts that turn out to be long cuts,
Sometimes our choice is to stop and rest.

STOP AND REFLECT

Have I decided to take a little time out to look at myself, at my EO? WHY? Why not? Why am I here?

2. Is the general Christian EO (the St. Aelred EO) good enough? Why? Why Not?

3. Do I have to die and lie in a casket to “die for another”? Can I lay down my life (die to myself in unselfish love) in any other way?

In getting to where I am now I have made choices. What effects did they have?

a. Some choices were detours that led me astray,

b. Some choices were short cuts to success,

Some were shortcuts that turned out to be long cuts,

Sometimes my choice was to stop and rest.

Sometimes my choices were dictated by my “moral slavery” to what “somebody” said was sinful pleasure.

(Reading continued)

In getting to the EO we will make a lot of choices.

In the past we changed priorities time and again. We made good choices
and we made mistakes. Our mistakes can be crucial parts of our path to the EO.

We start over, one foot first, one step at a time. We make choices.
We take chances. We start over and keep on keeping on.

“Starting Over” requires
1. Maintaining an attitude of honesty
Openness: really opening ourselves to see if we are in moral slavery to concepts like: masturbation is a sin (absurd), the Bible condemns same-sex love (absurd), condoms are sinful (absurd), only heterosexual married couples can have love and sex (absurd), the people God brings into this world as LGBT people are not allowed any sex, at any time, any where, in any way in their entire lives (absurd).

2. Willingness to try
Connecting with a partner or family of friends who are “‘Starting Over.”

3. Have a “starting over partner” who works with us
Especially in the beginning many people have a difficult time getting started on “starting over.” Every excuse pops up. There’s always something else that has to be done. A sincere “starting over partner” will help us set our priorities and stick to them.

This person *Agrees to be your partner.
* Will be honest about your progress.
* Will help you keep your focus on the steps to the EO.
* Will support you in working toward the EO.

STOP AND REFLECT

Years ago, I had such a wonderful friend. His name was Bob. We were both so intent on getting to the EO, that we really worked at it seriously. Every Thursday morning at 7:00 a.m., before going to work, we met at a certain restaurant and * Were honest about our progress.
* helped each other keep our focus on the steps to the EO.
* supported each other in working toward the EO.

Do you have a spiritual friend, who could become such a spiritual friend?

Do you like the idea of a spiritual friend like this?

Can you imagine what spiritual joy it would bring?

You are willing to be completely open about everything.?

You are willing to examine what “moral slavery” may be doing to your life?

(Reading Continued)

All this means “Starting Over” will be a priority in our life. We will not go to extremes and neglect aspects of our life which require our ongoing attention. We will not neglect our progress toward to the EO. We will live one day at a time. We will live within our own human limits. That means what we can handle physically, but also what we need to do to maintain balance in our life in work and social responsibilities.

If we really want to “Start Over” toward a life that is different and better,
If we really want to move toward to the End Objective (EO),
we can take certain steps to get better
and move toward the EO.

Actually “Starting Over” is a program. We say that the program does not just happen; we need to “work the program,” an expression used to mean “work on” the things that make the program effective for me (you).

There is something beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, creative, loving and caring about each of us. It’s the obstacles, the compulsions that destroy people. These things are like deadly diseases.

We are speaking of a 12-Step Program. The 12-Step “starting over” program is not merely a “medicine,” it is a program that leads to the EO, a guide to living peacefully, happily, successfully.
In general 12-step programs are not religious programs, but they are indeed spiritual programs. The Starting Over 12-Step Program is adapted to the beliefs of The Order of St. Aelred, and it is indeed a spiritual program.

Furthermore as we progress in the program, we develop the foundation for our complete intellectual, physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. By “working” the 12 Steps, greater and greater insights will occur. Along with that we find previously untapped sources of strength, peace, and serenity.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

This is a 12-Step program. Each step has a special purpose. All 12 Steps taken in order will lead to the EO.

None of the steps can be taken hastily. Each one has to be deliberate (not speedy), thoughtful (not just reporting it), feelings that represent the reality (not absence of feelings), acceptance of the truth (not denial or defensiveness), acknowledging the impact on my life (not denying impact). So today we begin to take the first step. I admit that a certain obstacle has become a part of my life (not just something that can be easily fixed).

The tendency is to avoid even taking the Steps, especially the first one. Some of the reasons are:
lack of courage
(or even worse, “I can handle it myself”);
inadequate preparation or
failure to recognize the importance and value of the Step,
especially the First Step.

If you have not fully discussed it with your “Starting Over Partner,” do not proceed. The First Step is the most important. Just as saying no to the first drink is saving step of the alcoholic, so the First Step pf the Program is the first mountain climbed toward the EO.

STOP AND REFLECT

First, think about serenity.

Is serenity worthwhile? Is it a good starting point for “starting over”? What is serenity for me?

Am I courageous? Am I willing to pray for courage? What do I need courage for?

If I were going to ask for WISDOM, what do I most want WISDOM for?

If any of the following apply to you, the “Starting Over” program is designed for you.

Feelings of low self esteem; ?

desperate for love and approval; ?

live life as a victim; ?

denial or minimizing of feelings; ?

isolation, shame, inappropriate guilt; ?

feelings of being hopeless and helpless, ?

unquestioning acceptance of moral slavery, ?

just plain wanting to move more to the EO. ?

Do I have the courage? Do I want the courage to enter a 12-step program?

The First Step – Step #1 – is:

I admit I have been letting something hold me back, allowing something to control my life, and permitting something to lead me away from the end objective.

I have let my life become unmanageable over this “thing” in my life. It has kept me from the EO. I have allowed it to destroy my peace and my progress.
For some it is alcohol, for others drugs, for some excessive smoking, for others addiction to compulsive sex, for some it’s over eating, for others it’s dependency on something or someone; for some it’s the need for more and moré movies or something else, and for too many it is blind acceptance of the shackles (handcuffs) of moral slavery.

Am I able to identify my biggest stumbling block?
Am I able to recognize this obstacle to progress towards the EO?

If so, then the next move is:

Am I able to admit I have been out of control with this matter?
Can I say,
“I am _____________(so and so), and I have been powerless over_____________________.”

Today, the question is only: can I identify and admit my stumbling block, What is it and
How has it held a grip on me that has strangled my progress?
Do I recognize what it has done to me?
It’s sharing time. You have not “taken” the First Step (or any Step) until you share with your Starting over partner (and preferably others in the program with you).

Taking the First Step means more than “going through the motions.” Taking the First Step means really knowing and admitting (and feeling it) how you have been out of control over this matter, how it has become unmanageable, and how you have been powerless over it.

You have to be ready to admit (to others and yourself) that you have reached the bottom and by yourself and by your methods you have not been able to take control over this aspect of your life – and it has held you back from the EO.

Have I looked at myself in depth? Have I really examined this “thing” that has overpowered me. Is it easy to spot – like the drunkenness that caused the auto accident, or is it more subtle in its impact on my life?

In the following work sheet (check list), if an item does not seem to apply to you, leave it blank, but be prepared to share with your partner(s) why you left it blank.

In the space after the aspect of “obstacles to EO” give one or more examples of how it applies to you.

STOP AND REFLECT

1. I spend time fantasizing about my “obstacle,” wanting it, feeling attracted to it.

2. I make attempts to control my behavior in this regard.

3. I have given in to lying, covering up, or minimizing (making light of) my behavior in this regard.

4. I keep trying to understand my behavior in this regard or even rationalize and make it seem reasonable.

5. Honestly it has some detrimental effects on my physical health.

6. Sometimes I feel quite miserable, feeling guilty or shameful about my behavior on this.

7. It has detrimental effects on my emotional health (how I feel about myself, how I experience being mad, sad, glad, or scared).

8. It has detrimental effects n my social life.

9. It has detrimental effects on my work or school life.

10. It has taken its toll on my character, morals, or values. (For many of us, what we thought was immoral may not have been as immoral as we thought, but we allowed ourselves to remain in moral slavery…)

11. It has been harmful to my spirituality.

12. It has had negative effects on my financial situation.

13. It has brought me into contact with police or courts…

14. Has my preoccupation with this thing led me to insane or strange behavior?

15. Has it ever caused me to have a memory loss.

16. Has it ever led me to destructive behavior toward myself of others?

17. Has my indulgence in this led to accidents or other dangerous situations?

18. Do I try to cover it up by keeping overly busy or unnecessarily occupied?

19. Do I feel depressed a lot of the time? Can I trace any of it to my “problem”?

20. Am I able to share my feeling (with my sharing partner)? If not, why not?

21. Have I changed my physical image to accommodate this thing in my life?

22. Have I made promises to myself that I have broken?

23. Have I denied that I have problem in this regard?

24. Has this problem or behavior affected my self esteem?

25. Have I tried to relieve my pain about this? How?

26. Have I tried to get people to support my addiction to this thing, or manipulated people to supporting me? How?

27. Have I given up any worthwhile pursuits (even hobbies or sports or even family) under the power of this thing? What were these?

28. In what ways have I been powerless over this thing?

29. In what ways has my life become unmanageable because of this thing?

(Reading continues)

A moment of reflection

In The Order of St. Aelred we have a unique challenge, a cutting edge liminal mission which calls us to not only to move toward the all important EO given us by Jesus himself, but to carry it out as our purpose in life.

Jesus gave us the whole message about loving God and loving one another.
St. Aelred himself expresses it for us in terms of friendship.
The Order of St. Aelred gives us the caring family where we live the message of love and friendship according to the True Friendship St. Aelred teaches us (see OSAe website).

Why is it we cannot go directly to the EO without detours and pitfalls? St. Paul tells us (Romans 10:10) that all of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We can interpret that word “sin” to refer to our allowing something to stop us from the EO and thus fall short of all the peace that comes with the End Objective.

This Step may seem negative, but it is a very positive step forward towards a very positive program. One day at a time, we will work on “Starting Over” and making positive progress toward the EO.

STOP AND REFLECT

Finally, I will summarize my feelings about taking the First Step:

Is there anything in the Serenity prayer that suggests to me something I would like to make a part of my daily life?

(Reading continues and concludes)

CONCLUSION
Holy Week Retreat 2009

It is my prayer that in some way your life has been enriched by this reflection. Always feel welcome to discuss any form of continuation with me.

God loves you; Jesus is always with you.

During this Lenten season, especially during the commemoration of our salvation during Holy Week, we look into our hearts and examine our lives.

­Whatever we find that separates us from the full unconditional love of God – whatever it is, it is there because we allow it to be there.

We know this because St. Paul tells us in no uncertain terms in Romans 8 that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Therefore, if nothing outside of us can keep God from loving us, then, only we ourselves can build a barrier to God’s love coming in to us.

The Love of Jesus went out to us from the Cross on that first Good Friday. and that love will never stop embracing us. We have the power and the privilege to accept it.

And when we are ready to cleanse ourselves in Step One, we can move on to enjoy the pleasure of Steps Two to Twelve.

Let us Pray: (From the St. Aelred commnity Prayer Book)

Lord Jesus, you are never far from those who pray to you.
I open myself to you as you are present here with me.
May your Word speak to my heart
And bring peace to my restlessness
As I listen to your Word,

God, help me to live one day at a time,
Not to be thinking about what might have been,
And not be worrying about what may be.
Help me accept the fact that I cannot undo the past,
And I cannot foresee the future.
As I face today, help me always remember
That I will never be tried beyond what I can bear,
That your loving hand will never cause your child a needless tear,
That I cannot ever drift beyond your love and care,
So help me live today in courage and cheerfulness and peace.

I want to quote our concluding prayer, with adaptations, from "A Book of Prayer for Gay and Lesbian Christians" by William Storey. (A beautiful Book of Prayer, compiled by a retired professor of Prayer at the fabled Notre Dame University, who has lived with his same-sex partner for more than a quarter of a century.) The book was called to my attention by a very spiritual gay man here who uses this and another Prayer Book in his daily prayer.

God of my life,
there are days
when the burdens I carry
bend down my shoulders
and weigh me down,
when the road
seems dreary and endless,
the skies gray and threatening;
when my life has no music in it,
and my heart is lonely,
and my soul has lost its courage.

Flood my path with light,
turn my eyes to where
the skies are full of promise;
tune my heart to brave music;
give me a sense of comradship
with the saints
and heroes of every age;
quicken my spirit
that I may be able to encourage
the souls of all those
who journey with me
on the road of life
to your honor and glory.

The general principles of “Starting Over” are common to 12 Step programs, and words, even sentences, have been obtained from the dozens of publications on these programs. Starting Over is a synthesis of existing 12 Step programs with OSAe principles, philosophy, and spirituality.
© OSAe 2004

Steps 2 to 12 are included here in openness to the retreatant, to help with the decision of whether to continue “starting over” in this way.

The Second Step -- Step #2 -- is:

I believe that God is a Power greater than my obstacles, and God can restore me to sanity and progress in starting over.

The Third Step – Step #3 – is:

I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God and accept God’s unconditional friendship. I will “let go and let God” rule my life.

The Fourth Step – Step #4 – is:

I make a searching and fearless moral inventory of my life, my strengths and weaknesses, my honesty, my integrity, my fruits of the Spirit, my living in friendship with God and others.

The Fifth Step – Step #5 – is:

I admit to God, to myself, and to one other human being the honest state of my moral inventory.
The Sixth Step – Step #6 – is:

As I face the truth about myself, I am entirely ready to give God thanks for my strengths, and to have God remove all that is holding my back from true friendship with God and others.

The Seventh Step – Step #7 – is:

I humbly thank God for my strengths and ask God to remove all my shortcomings, stumbling blocks, and obstacles.

The Eighth Step – Step #8 – is:

Putting my words into action, I make a list of all people I have harmed and become sincerely willing to do what is right to make amends to them all.

The Ninth Step – Step #9 – is:

I make amends as it is proper and appropriate to the persons I have harmed wherever possible, except in situations where doing so would injure them or others.

The Tenth Step – Step # 10 – is:

Daily, if possible, and with one other human being if I choose, I continue to examine my life on the issues of honesty, integrity, fruits of the Spirit, and friendship with God and others.

The Eleventh Step – Step # 11 – is:

I seek through prayer and meditation, frequent or ceaseless communication with God, to deepen my friendship with God, living ever in deeper union with Jesus, God who became human like me, my Ruler, my Redeemer, my Friend.

The Twelfth Step – Step #12 – is:

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, and having begun the process of “starting over” and entering into a life-saving friendship with God, I try to carry this message to others and continue to practice these principles day by day.

CONCLUSION
Holy Week Retreat 2009

It is my prayer that in some way your life has been enriched by this reflection. Always feel welcome to discuss any form of continuation with me.

God loves you; Jesus is always with you.