Merry Christmas -- all year roundThat's my Christmas message this year.
It's a message originally designed for "lovers."
But I am sure we can find many applications.
My Christmas message this year, for my first octogenarian Christmas, can be a wonderful experience for you in many situations in your life.
When people come to us for a Holy Union, we discuss with them at some length a concept of "love" which I call, "Love's Bottom Line."
I started this practice only about 3 and half years ago, and I wish I had started 30 years ago.
NOW I am getting emails from around the world, "Since our wedding in your chapel 2 years ago, we have been living happily together in London -- so grateful that you taught us Love's Bottom Line. It has made our life together very happy." Maybe you can discover the secret of :"Merry Christmas -- all year round."
Love's Bottom Line
"God is love, and wherever love, God is; those who live in love live in God, and God lives in them." I John
"The greatest love one can have is to lay down one's life for one's friend."
ByFr. Richard R. Mickley, O.S.Ae., Ph.D.
In a retreat I facilitated for 36 college students they were assigned in small groups to define "love." That triggered a lot of discussion, but hours later (well after midnight) there was a near unanimous agreement that -- it is not possible to have a definition of love which does not include the idea of "giving."
For a moment we got scriptural and reminded ourselves that God, who is Love, "so loved the people of the world that God gave Jesus…" We decided that it is pretty hard to "show" love without "giving."
When people come to us for a Holy Union to unite themselves in a loving and holy union, it's usually quite obvious that they "love" each other and are in "in love."
But we go on to explore what is the "bottom line" that makes their wedding, their union, their life together, their love make sense.
Everyone who is honest and realistic admits that they have arguments and disagreements, and sometimes some admit they have rather nasty brawls. What's at the root of these unpleasant glitches in their "love affair"? They usually agree that it's because one of them insists on "doing it my way," or saying, "I'm right and you are wrong," or saying, "I don't care what you say, I want this." Often the root of the problem is the desire, the drive, to win, to come out on top.
Now, when that happens, it leads to a deadlock, an unhappy hour or two hours, or an unhappy relationship, depending on how long the stubbornness, the obstinacy, continues.
Remember we are talking about love, about a so-called loving relationship. You can have disagreements at work, but the dynamics are quite different. You can want your own way in the work-place, but there the solution will be probably be solved on the basis of "authority" or the "good" of the work."
In a loving couple, in our day and age, we usually don't have a "boss" of the relation ship. It is now more common to think and act in an "equal relationship." (By the way, if you choose to have one person as the "boss" of the relationship, you should have some well-understood guidelines on how and when the "authority" operates.)
In a loving equal relationship you can learn to interact by following accepted methods of negotiation and compromise. Of course that takes not only some know-how, but also some practice. For most people, these skills don't come automatically, probably because of lack of good role models in our families and in society around us. I have a chapter on this in my book, Sharing and Growing, which is a full length how-to-do-it manual for building a stronger and more harmonious relationship.
Having said that, let's go back to the "bottom line." In short, the bottom line is what you have when all is said and done. In business the bottom line is what you still have left (hopefully) after the expenses are subtracted from the income.
In a relationship, the bottom line is the one thing that is the most important, most sensible reason for being together. (Or, the only sensible thing that is left after all the crazy stuff is ruled out.)
In business, people work together as partners to make money. Why do two people come together in love as a couple? We are not talking about teaming up to make money. Is it to have their own way? Is it to win arguments? Is it to fight, argue, disagree (or even agree) all the time?
Why are two people together as a couple? Is the argument you have today, or winning it, going to be important a year from now? A month from now? Will you even remember what it was about a week from now? Will it even matter tomorrow? On the other hand does it matter that both of you will have been unhappy because of it all this time?
Well, then, is the purpose of the relationship to win every argument, to be grouchy, cranky, unpleasant, downright sad because you don't get your way?
What is the one thing that makes sense? What is the one thing that makes it sane and good and pleasant for two people to be together? To call themselves a couple? If you have the answer to that for you and your partner, you will know the bottom line. Let me just note, that some of the elements could differ from couple to couple in how they go about it. (The same thing will not work for everybody. Some people seem to be born to argue, and really can't be happy unless they are arguing. And that could work for them – if both partners have this insatiable urge to be happy by arguing. There are some people who say, "Wouldn't life be boring if you never have an argument?")
So, the bottom line is not necessarily agreeing all the time. What is it? You can, and probably should, learn guidelines for negotiation and compromise, but what's the object of it all?
Especially, what is the whole idea, the sensible pujrpose, of getting together for a life of togetherness?
Both negotiation and compromise require some "giving" from each partner. So, what we want to stress is that nothing will work if it is not "two-sided" giving. And that holds doubly true for the "bottom line" for couples in a loving relationship. Remember, we suggested there can be no definition of love without including the concept of "giving."
Are you together to be unhappy? Are you together to make each other miserable? What is the one thing that makes sense? Yes. It is, "We are together to make one another happy." That's the bottom line. To make it practical, we can put it this way, in every situation, "
What can I do to make my partner happy?
How Can I Make My Partner Happy?
If I know my loved one is blissful when I bring a rose or a dozen roses, would I wait a year to bring a rose or roses? If I know my partner is a movie buff and really enjoys having me in the next seat at the cinema, will I always say, "No, I hate movies"?
Sometimes this is a hard thing to deal with. What if one likes dancing more than the other? "How can I make my partner happy?" Perhaps without a lot of explaining, perhaps this time I will go to the movie with my partner, and the next time I will go dancing with my partner, so we both have a chance to make the other happy. If one is a vegetarian, that does not mean the other has to make the supreme sacrifice and unhappily become a vegetarian, but it presents a challenge, "What can I do to make my partner happy?"
Smoking and drinking, spending money, and going out with friends can present similar challenges. If you know your partner is sick and hungry, will you set out food, or will you beg for company on the dance floor? What will bring happiness at that moment?
There is always a way when the bottom line is the starting point, and a bit of unsophisticated compromise is thrown in. (Like: My partner hates smoking; I will never smoke in my partner's presence. It's up to me to decide if my love requires me to give by "giving up" smoking.)
Going back to the definition of "love" -- giving -– if I want to give love to my partner, I find a way to show it by asking myself, "What can I do (give of myself) to make my partner happy?"
Perhaps becoming human with us, with all our suffering and pain and hardships, may not have been the most pleasant thing the Word of God could desire, but love was foremost in the being of Jesus, so that he gave himself to the fullness of human life, healing, going about doing good, but enduring hunger and sweat and suffering, and eventually torture and death as well, all because of love.
If we want to say with St. Paul, "I live now, not I, but Christ lives in me," Can we put easy limits on what we are willing to do to make our partner happy?
God is Love, and those who live in love, live in God, and God lives in them. Great things are about to happen when the starting point, the beginning attitude is not "How can I win?" but "How can I make my partner happy?"
Stop and think. What would be the result in your life? If each time you felt like prolonging an argument, you asked yourself, "How can I make my partner happy?" Or if each time your partner felt like intensifying a fight, suddenly there would be a reflection, "What can I do to make my partner happy?"
Note: this a question one asks oneself (internally). It is not something one throws in te face of the other.
Of course it takes two. It works best if both partners are saints. If both are not saints, wouldn't it be great if both tried to be – in this regard, at least. Unfortunately, the world has all too seldom witnessed the peace and joyful togetherness experienced by the couple who elevate their love to this level.
Even if the world has not seen it, you will enjoy the most wonderful, most happy, most fulfilling relationship ever possible in the history of the world if you mutually base you attitude and love on Love's Bottom Line: "How can I make my partner happy?"
St, Francis of Assisi gives us some hints on how to do this in his beautiful prayer for peace:
Lord,Make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury – pardon;
Where there is doubt – faith;
Where there is darkness – light;
Where there is sadness – joy.
O Divine master,Grant
that I may not so much seek;
To be consoled – as to console;
To be understood – as to understand;
To be loved – as to love.For…
It is in giving – that we receive;
In pardoning – that we are pardoned; and,
It is in dying – that we are born to eternal life.
[In summary:It is in giving -- that we love;
It is in loving -– that we find happiness.]
(This summary added to St. Francis' prayer.)
Fr. Richard R. Mickley, O.S.Ae., Ph.D.
The Order of St. Aelred (O.S.Ae.)
St. Aelred Friendship Society (SAeF)
E-mail: saintaelred@gmail.com
Website: http://www.geocities.com/staelredmonasterymanila
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